• PLAGIARISM. This is extremely serious – I cannot send this off to AQA in its current form as there are at least two passages of text that are NOT referenced yet have clearly been copied and pasted from internet sources. Based on this, your essay is in effect 0/48 – a U grade. However, if you re-write or reference anything copied then the problem will be solved.
• Written English is still NOWHERE near the standard required for A2 – so many clumsy sentences that don’t make sense. You almost never use apostrophes correctly – that is unacceptable at A2 level. Either you are not proofreading or you seriously need to work on your proofreading – neither reflects well on you.
• Research is now MUCH better – the quality of the quotes and the academic sources is easily good enough to get you into level 3 at least if not higher. However, unless you develop a clear, well-written argument to go with the quotes you will struggle to get above 30/48 (C/D grade). One aspect of this is learning how to introduce quotes – you still need to work on this.
• You don’t provide a word count but the essay feels far too long. I would seriously consider cutting it down and making the whole thing more simple – that the media perpetuates Islamophobia through films such as your main texts. This may mean cutting out whole sections (the bit on newspapers I think can just be deleted – not relevant to the question/Hollywood film).
• The conclusion needs work – it just doesn’t make sense currently.
• Your bibliography is still in a strange format – one to think about. I assume you haven’t used the Microsoft Word referencing feature. This isn’t compulsory but I would recommend it.
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